# The Courage to be disliked - *** ## title: Literature Notes: The Courage to be disliked - [[Literature notes]] - DENY TRAUMA collapsed:: true - Chapter 1 - Deny Trauma - etiology - the study of causation - telelogy - the study of purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause - if we keep quoting etiology, there can be no change or improvement. - Chapter 3 - Trauma does not exist - our experience / life is a function of what goals we set for ourselves. - Not the experiences, but the meaning we give to them. - hence your life is not something that someone gives you. - He is creating anxiety and fear as his reason to stay inside. - Teleology tells us that he is taking action inline with this goal. Everyone of us is living in line with some goal. According to teleology. - Chapter 4 - People fabricate Anger - We think that anger is an emotion and it is tough to control it and that is why we end up shouting at people. But this is etiology - We shout because we want the person to submit to listen to us, and also taking the effort to explain it to the person felt like too much trouble. - For example, when you are angry on your wife and you get a call from a high paying customer you answer your customer well , and the continue shouting at your wife. - Chapter 5 - How to live without being controlled by the past - If you believe in free will, and you believe that people can change. If you believe that your life is not completely determined by your past, and you have control over your future. Then clearly you believe in teleology. If you end up staying in etiology you will be bound by the past and never be able to find happiness. Look at the possibilities of the future. **Possibilities > Past**. - People are not drive by past causes, but move towards goals that they set themselves. #quotes - Chapter 6 - Socrates And Adler - Arrive at your own answer. Dont rely upon answer given by someone else. #quotes - Socrates and Adler never wrote a book, they always conveyed their [[idea]] by dialogue. - Chapter 7 - Are you okay just as you are ? - Many are not happy with who they are, and they wish to be someone else. This is because they focussed on the past of what they are born with. (color, beauty etc). Instead focus on what you can create in the future with what you have. You will accept yourself. And move forward step by step. - Chapter 8 - Unhappiness is something you chose for yourself - Because at some points in time, people judge being unhappy as being beneficial to them. - Ch 9 - People chose not to change - Change is uncertain, and creates anxiety. No change is certain but creates disappointment. Change needs courage. - Ch 10 - Your life is decided Here and Now - There are people who keep giving excuses of not doing something right now. But those excuses might have other deep meanings. for example a person aspiring to be a novelist but he is never able to write that book and cites that he does not get time due to his busy work. But the truth is he wants to leave the possibility of "i can do it if i try" open for later. He wants to live in the realm of possibilities. He should write the book and submit it, atleast he will know that the outcome and he can move on in life. That is a much better way to live that constantly coming with reasons on not doing your to do item. - No matter what has happened to you in the past, you can chose how you want your life to be. it should have no bearing on how your life ought to be. - ALL PROBLEMS ARE INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS - Ch 11 - Why you dislike yourself - Mostly the excuse of not wanting to get rejected by other people. ((b7e1ed32-1598-4ede-9a17-a9619cd0cd09)) - All problems are interpersonal problems. If one wanted to get rid of all his problems he can live alone in this world. But that is not possible. When you enter relationship it is inevitable that you will get hurt and you will hurt others. - Ch 12 - All problems are interpersonal relationship problems - Loneliness is having other people and society around you but having a deep sense of being excluded from them. To feel lonely we need other people. - There is no such thing as a worry that is completely defined by the individual, so called internal worry is not existent. Whatever worry that may arise, the shadows of other people are always present. - Ch 13 - Feelings of Inferiority are subjective assumptions - like the author is short. But his friend feels relaxed because he is short. Being short gives author the ability to make other feels relaxed. So one attribute which makes you feel inferior has superior advantages also. It is all subjective - Subjectivity allows you to make your own choice. - Feeling of inferiority is a term that has to do with ones value judgement of oneself. - Value is always in social context. If i were the only person in this world and no one else existed. I'd probably putting those one dollar bills in the fireplace in wintertime - Ch 14 - An Inferiority Complex is an excuse - A feeling of inferiority should be used as a trigger to push you to the pursuit of superiority (desire to escape from the helpless state we are born in).This way it can promote striving and growth - I am not well educated so i would have to try harder than everyone else. is good. I am not well educated so I cant succeed is bad. This is inferiority complex - Ch 15 - Braggarts have inferiority complex - People cant live with this feeling for too long, then they have showing fabricated feelings of superiority like brand association or associating themselves with people of power, they start boasting of their past achievements to fill this void by getting recognized, then the can brag about their misfortunes to control others. "You dont know how it feels to be short". etc. A confident man has no reason to brag - Ch 16 - Life is not a competition - It is enough if you improve or grow towards your ideal self, and improve from whom you were yesterday. You dont have to measure yourself compared to others. Competitors can rarely be comrades. - Ch 17 - You are the only one worry about your appearance. - Even if you keep on winning, you will not have a moment of peace if you are in competition with others. You will not be able to celebrate others victory. Once you see the world and others as comrades, you world will change. A comrade is one who will help in times of need. Once you escape from the crutches of competition you will be able to celebrate others victory happily, help others when needed, contribute to them and look at them as comrades. - Ch 18 - Power struggle then revenge - Your opponent will challenge you to a power struggle then like a sportsman withdraw. Having lost he will scheme a revenge. Once it gets there it is almost impossible to repair this. So never get into power struggles - Ch 19 - Admitting fault is not defeat - When you feel something is right, the matter should be ended right there. Admitting mistakes, conveying apology none of this is defeat. Pursuit of superiority is not carried out in competition with other people. Getting hung up on winning and losing will cloud your judgement - Ch 20 - Overcoming the tasks that you face in life - Life tasks are to be self reliant and to live in harmony with society, to have ability and look at others as comrades. - 3 categories of relationships - tasks of work, love and friendship. Work relationships have the lowest hurdle. they have an easy to understand common objective of good results. - All problems in life fall into one of these three categories or tasks of life. Hence all problems are interpersonal problems. In terms of work, the issue is getting rebuked as opposed to not having the ability (that can be accepted). - Ch 21 - Red Strings and Rigid Chains - Friendships are tough to form because there is no compulsion of work neither is there a common objective. - There is no value in the number of friends, what we should be thinking about is the distance and depth of the friendship. - Love relationships and parent child relationships. - relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart. - Whenever i can be myself freely without feeling inferior or the need to flaunt then only its love. If two people want to live together well, then they must be treated as equals. - Parent child cant be seperated hence rigid chains, love can be so red strings. you must not run away you must face and cut if need be. - Ch 22 - Dont fall for the life lie - Always do the life tasks. dont blame on others, or your past and escape the life tasks. - DISCARD OTHER PEOPLES TASKS - Ch 24 - Deny the desire for recognition - you might have a lot of wealth, but no friends to love you. - Ch 25 - Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others - Desire for recognition is a habit that is influenced by the carrot and stick mode of education. If no one is going to praise my I wont take the appropriate action. - If you are not living your life, who will live it for you - If you living to satisfy other peoples expectations, you will loose your I ness and live other peoples life, and you will constantly worry about others poeple judgement - ch 26 - How to seperate other peoples tasks - Whoever will experience the results of the task is the owner of the task. - All interpersonal problems are caused by intruding on other peoples task. - One tells the child that that is his task, and one lets him know that one is ready to assist him whenever. - You can lead a horse to the water, but you cant make him drink. - Ch 27 - Discard other peoples task - Intervening in other peoples task and taking on other peoples tasks turns into ones life into something heavy and full of hardship. - Ch 28 - How to rid yourself of interpersonal relationship problems - First, ask whos task is this. - Seperation of tasks. - Calmly delineate the point upto which ones task goes and then comes another persons task. And do not intervene, nor allow anyone to intervene in yours. - Ch 29 - Cut the Guardian's KNOT - Not seeking recognition nor reward, and the seperation of tasks is important. Children who have never been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges - Ch 30 - Desire for Recognition makes you UNFREE - Living according to other peoples values and their life - Ch 31 - What real freedom is - If you dont want to be disliked, you have to live according to the other peoples expectations and that is not freedom. If there are people who dont like you then you excercised your freedom. - Ch 32 - you hold the cards to the interpersonal relationship - When you desire recognition you give the keys to others. you do your task. - WHERE THE CENTER of the world is - Ch 33 Individual Psychology and Holism - Forming good interpersonal relationships require a certain degree of distance (which is basically the line for seperation of tasks) - Ch 34 Goal of Interpersonal Relationship is a feel of community - The feeling of others as comrades, and awareness of having ones own refuge is called community feeling. - Ch 35 Why am I interested only in myself - Consider the desire for recognition. You want others to pay attention to you, and then judge you in a way you desire. This is self centeredness. The world is not centered around you. - Ch 36 You are not the center of the world - I never more than the part of a community and the whole. All of us are searching for a sense of belonging that is okay to be here. And this can be only obtained by active commitment to the community and not by just being here. - We have to stand on our own feet , and take two steps forward with the tasks of interpersonal relationships (self reliant and living in harmoney) objective of life. Always ask what can i give to this person. - Ch 37 Listen to the voice of a larger community - All problems interpersonal - Solution: Seperation of tasks + Dont compete - Goal: Community : Everyone is your commrade celebrate their success. - place of refuge, this is a good place to be - A community that you can break relationships with by giving a notice, you can only be so much connected with them in any case. - When we run into difficulties in our interpersonal relationships or when we can no longer see a way out, what we should consider first and foremost is the principle that says Listen to the voice of the larger community. - Do not cling to the smaller community in front of you. - Ch 38 Do not rebuke or praise - Rebuking or praising is vertical. Goal is comrades, horizontal and equal or partner like relationships - you dont say Good job to your partner for helping you clean vessels - When we praise of rebuke, our indirect goal is manipulation - praise is passing judgement from a person of ability to a person of non ability. By praising you will always keep someone inferior. - Ch 39 The encouragement approach - offer assistance, dont intervene - when receiving praise becomes a goal, one is choosing a way of life that is driven by another persons system of values. - Ch 40 How to feel you have value - Thank you. I am glad, that was a big help. - Thank you is a sign of contribution. - If one is able to feel one has worth, then one can accept oneself just as one is and have the courage to face ones life task. - Thanks -> I can contribute -> I have value/ worthy -> Courage - Ch 41 Exist in the present - There is value in just being (that person does not have to do something for you). For example the mother who went through an accident . - When we look at other people we build an ideal image, then judge. We want a child you never talks back to his parents, excels in both school and play. attends a good university and joins a large company. There are parents who will compare to ideal child .this is imopssible. Instead the parent should be glad for who he actually is. - Ch 42 People cannot make proper use of self. - Even if you have one vertical relationship, before you can realize what is happening is you will be treating all your interpersonal relations are veritical. - Start building horizontal relationships and all relations will gradually become horizontal - TO LIVE IN EARNEST IN THE HERE AND THE NOW - Ch 43 Excessive Self consciousness stifles the Self - One has to stop being concerned about the I and move to concern for others - Ch 44 Not Self Affirmation Self Acceptance - Self affirmation is telling oneself that he can do it, even when he does not have the ability . - No one is perfect 100%. We might be 60% perfect accept it. and work towards your ideal self. This is self acceptance. You need the courage to accept yourself. - Ch 45 The difference between trust and confidence - A bank trust a lender to repay the loan, trust is there as long as he repays. - Confidence is only believes unconditionally without a security. - There will be times when one will be taken advantage of, the attitude of continuing to believe is what we call confidence. - This does not mean you keep getting fooled, when you severe the relationship is your task. - Let confidence be the bedrock of your relationship. - If doubt is the bedrock, then it wil not make the relationship go deeper - It will be tough to take advantage of someone who is taking confiding in you again and again - The courage to overcome the fear of being taken advantage of comes from self acceptance. - We can doubt or believe. If the goal is community, you can choose which one is better. - By accepting yourself and placing confidence in others, they become your comrades - Ch 46 The Essence of Work is contribution to the common good - Labor is not a means of earning money. It is a means of contributing to your community and getting a feeling of self worth, there by getting self acceptance, and accept your existential worth. - This is why people who have a lot of money , still work, so that they can feel that they belong here - Ch 47 Young people walk ahead of adults - It takes half your life time to practices the adlerian concepts hence younger people do it faster. - Instead of thinking what others can do for me, I should always think what I can do for others. This will make me happy when i was dishes. Other people want to be around happy people. Hence more chances that someone will come and help you - Self acceptance -> confidence in others -> contribute -> self acceptance (loop) - the life tasks self reliant is connected to self acceptance and the consciousness that i have the ability. harmoney with society is connected with the awareness of all as comrades and my contribution to the largest community - Ch 48 Workaholism is life lie - If one derives his self of worth only from his work, then during old age when he is no longer able to work he would not be able to accept himself. Tasks of work cant be used as an excuse to overlook tasks of love and friendship. hence life life - Ch 49 You can be happy now - The greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself. The simple solution to being happy is to get a feel of being useful to someone. There is no way to be absolutely sure that you are useful and that is not your task. As long as you feel that you are contributing and you are useful, you will happy immediately. - Remember that even in the act of being, there is contribution. - Happiness is the feeling of contribution. - Whether it is in the level of acts or level of being, one has to feel that he / she is contributing - If one really has the feeling of contribution, they will no longer seek recognition. - In other words, if one is seeking recognition he does not have any community feeling, self acceptance, confidence in others or contribution to others. - Ch 50 Two paths travelled by those wanting to be special - They resort to revenge and pursuit of easy superiority (wrist cutting etc).They dont want to be normal - Ch 51 The courage to be normal - Why does one want to be special. Because he is not able to accept his normal self. Being normal is not being incapable - Do we really need lofty goals - Ch 52 Life is a series of moments - Do we really need lofty goals? No. With lofty goals most of life becomes en route. Many people do not reach lofty goals. Such is the nature of lofty goals. Then is their life incomplete. - This line like life, is a result of freudian thinking with life as a series of events. Instead look at life like a series of dots. (moments). - A well planned life is impossible - Ch 53 Live like your dancing - In dancing, dance itself is the goal. No one is concerned of arriving somewhere by doing it. - Process itself is the outcome not the destination. - Climbing mount everest vs using a helicopter. - Ch 54 Shine a light on the here and now - The past and future exist because the now is boring and dull. - Shine a light on the now, make it bright and interesting. You wont see the past or future. You will be lost in the now. - Life is a series of moments, neither the future nor past exist - Ch 55 The greatest life life - As long as we postpone life we will never have a bright now, we will live dull moments after dull moments. - Not having objectives in life is fine. Living earnestly in the moment here and now itself is fine. - No need to get too serious. - Preparatory period is postponing life. - If ones life was to end now, it should be termed as happy. - Ch 56 Give meaning to a seemingly meaningless life - Life in general has no meaning whatsoever. But you can assign meaning to that life. And you are the only one who can. - When one chooses freedom it is natural that one gets lost. In those moments, use the Adlerian north star of "Contribution to others". - As long as you follow this north star, you will be happy and you can do whatever you like. - Lets dance in earnest the moments of here and now and live in earnest. One lives each complete moment like a dance. There is no need to compete with anyone, and one has no use for destinations. As long as your are dancing , you will get somewhere. - The only way to understand life is have lived each moment to its full. That is when the meaning of life will become clear to you. - Earnest means with full sincerity and conviction. - Ones power is great, if he changes, the world changes. This is like the shock of wearing spectacles clearly for the first time. - Someone has to start being co operative. It is best you start.