- Intro to Assertive Communication - You should be okay to be in your own skin. When you look in the mirror you can sthink about how you can imporove, but not about why you are look this - Why did i take this course - Because i want most people in the world to love me, and i need a lot of friends - After workshop what do i wish to do - I wish to be comfortably face and talk to people of any age and backgroun in any circumstance - I wish to have a lot of friends, and be able to easily get friends and be confident with them - Know the playing field, and figure out if you want to be a extrovert or introvert. - Estimate the consequences. A courageous person has one death, coward dies daily. If you dont push back, you will become a easy target. - People can spot soft targets - Over a period of time, assertiveness demands respect. [[stress]] levels, anxiety levels reduce over a period of time. - Assertiveness lies at the core of everything - What is Assertiveness - Saying what needs to be said is assertiveness. - The needs of yourself and other determine what is needed. But ensure whatever is said, is said without hurting others including you. - And get the thing done. Mere voicing out is not being assertive - If people are not doing the job even after you have mentioned the point. In that case mention the consequence. Because people are inherently lazy. So the consequence might drive the action. - When you are mentioning the consequence balance it out. Don't make the person quit the job. Motivate him, don't threaten him - Why are we not assertive - Fear of rejection. - You have a choice. Know the consequence, and act wisely. - If you are going to send anything negative, don't do it offline. Because your message will be interpreted in the mood they are in. - Humans are imperfect. - Implant the [[idea]] in their mind. First ask them if you can express feedback. Seek if they are open for feedback. - Rule 1 of 48 Laws of Power - Dont supersede your boss - Plant the [[idea]] in your boss's head and make him feel like it's his idea. Make him feel like this [[idea]] is a part of his idea. 9:22 - Fear of hurting others - If you think too much about hurtin other, you will get hurt a lot. Because people are selfish. They will walk over you. - Aggressive vs assertive - Aggressive is one side, i care only about my work. Assertive is caring about both. Passive is caring only about the other person. - Be ready to say no when you want to. - Value of Relationships - If you want everyone to be happy, you will be passive - If you dont care about others you will be aggressive - Care for honest and fair relationships. Assertive. Keep toxic away - Communication - Release pressure. Else you will get misdirected anger. - Get out of pressure cooker situations. - Event vs Outcome - Event does not determine outcome. No one can make you angry, unless you decide to be angry. - Anger is a natural process. Outburst is a choice - Like a politician who is boiling with anger, but smiling on the outside. - What is Communication? - Why - Job to be done - Human is a social animal. He likes to talk. - Big politician is someone who talks about what the people like. Small ones talk about what they know. - If i talk about what i know always. Then the purpose of you doing this is itself defeated. People perceive it as empty vessels making more noise - Why do people want to show themselves as superior? - Because they want to feel better. Which means they are currently feeling bad or inferior. - If you want to win in life or communication give people what they want. People dont know what they want #life . So you have to peel the onion and understand the core. - - Process of Communication - [[idea]] - What i want to say - Encode - Language or words - Medium - one to one. internet etc. - For things that have to be spoken in person, who have to wait and speak in person. Better not to screw the medium. - This could be a big problem, Don't do to written communication because you dont have courage. High chance to be misunderstand. - As the mind voice when reading might be totally different. - Never be threatening. Always tell the consequences without threatening. You will always loose when you threaten - Decode - Feedback - Has your [[idea]] been communicated - Direct and Indirect feedback - Assertive Communication - Overview - Having courage before anger kicks in. Anger comes because of lack of coward. - the courage to take decisions. - Knowing what others and I want. - If you threaten and dont act you will have problems and lose respect. - Communication is the only tool for all this. (Internal and External) - There are only two types of response to problems - Fight or Flight. - If you have lot of options, it will be less [[stress]]ful. - Empathy - Hit people where it pains, even if father mother. everyone is selfish. Only pain does the job - When in problem zoom out, you will get a larger perspective, which will give more choices and options, then you can pick your answer. - Setting limits in communication - How much is okay? - How much is too much? - How much is threshold? - What are my options? - Frame of mind - This is a skill assertiveness requries perseverence, and only then you get a frame of mind. - Believing in yuour self and others - You have to believe that people are good, and that they have some imperfection. Find the root cause of their mistakes, and create solutions. - You have to create a win-win - Quiz - Eat the dosa to quench hunger - Go stand back we are in the line - Go the clerk and get the change - I want to see this now, can you see it later - I will speak to you after i finish my work - I will pay only 500 - Can you explain why you are angry on me - i will pay only what i agreed for - call and ask - I dont know the answer to that question - Passive vs Aggressive vs Passive Agressive vs Assertive - Thinking if i should knock the door vs kickign the door vs keep loud volume yourself vs knocking communicating and requesting to lower down the volume - Applying Assertive Communication - Factors affecting communication - Self esteem problem - Therapy required for self esteem. All human beings are equal. - Stress - unmanageable stress. asking you to do things which you dont know. - load. doing more than you can manage. - With stress and load you cant keep emotions aside, which will affect your decisions. - - Anxiety? Where ever there is victory or loss, good or bad. There will be anxiety. If it affects your work or actions, then it is a problem - Mood swings. - Attitude - Beliefs - If people have bad opinion about you, you will have to work to win their credit - Cultural Differences. You will have to integrate into the culture of the person you are speaking to. - Seperate Facts from feelings - Whats at stake - What their image ofme - What my image of them - Is it related to what happened in the past - Where i come from, my position? - How should I respond to this? - Understanding the context - Know the agenda. - Very important. This will give you the upperhand - Once they know your agenda, they manipulate you - Know yourself and your agenda. - Problems in being assertive - Self defeating attitudes - Thinking that you got lucky with what you currently have. - Not knowing your worth. You never get anything for free. So you are already worth things. - Feeding other people to mock you - Dealing with insecurities - Be the bigger person. Give people their space when their pressure cooker goes of, and then go and talk to them later. - Define Fair. - Treating people equally without discrimination add the situation and context. it is never equal. Is this fair? are they fair? ami fair? - You cant frame the rules. you have to playby the rules that already exist. - Verbal, Vocal, Visual. - Verbal is mostly only 3%. 40% is vocal tone. Rest is all visual. You alone want good dressed people. But you wont dress well? - Ask right questions and be very very specific where you get the reason. - Specific Target Problems not the person - Specific aim to solve problems. Specific helps people understand expectation - Create a positive atmosphere. Be right and punish the bad. - Understand problem structure - Professional, Family, Friends, People you meet - Professional & Friends. Customer is a problem means he is demanding. Can you be assertive with the vendor? - If you have problems from everyone. Then script is wrong. LIke you feel superior, inferior, etc. - No one can take responsibility of no bodys life. - Their life is theirs. Leave things after saying - Wife / Husband. - If you are not social it means you are not able to know the needs of others. If you ask people how their life is. You will get the upper hand,a nd be the bigger person. - If you have a low self image, you will have problems with the poeple you meet. - Sometimes when people talk too much . turn the table. - Transactional Analysis - Everything in life is a transaction. Give and take. - find the game, and stay away from it - STROKES - positive, negative, conditional, unconditional postivie and negative. - negative should always be in conditionals and be very specific - Ego states - ID ego, super ego, - ID is what is really possible, pleasure - Super ego is more a moral conscious principle. - Ego - real. - Parent, Adult, Child. - Natural Child, Adjusted Child - Controlling Parent, Nurturing Parent - Complmentary Transactions - Adult is logical, Better to communicate from this state. - Ful filling these demands in negative nuturing parent, adjusted child will be taxing,and the relationship will die away. - Crossed Transactions - Parents are always authority. with love is nuturing, scolding is controlling. - Ulterior Transactions. - Expressing vs Thinking will be different. - Either you will try to disprove or stick with your childhood emotions. - When things become a obsessions things can go wrong. - Games people play - Gimmicks are qualities inside you that trigger you - These are mostly responses to your childhood. Disprove or prove - Identify these triggers. - Could be philosophy, nationality, religion etc - Gimmick is an obsessive need. -